Healing in Heartbreak.

You meet someone. They capture your attention- just a tad bit more than the rest of them. Soon enough after flirting you're casually seeing each other, then exclusively dating, and before you know it you're in a full on relationship. You fall in love.

You create a life with someone, they get involved in your plans. You introduce them to your family and friends. It's a thing. Then it happens. It starts small. You notice things aren't the same. You're distant. You don't care what they're doing. You don't want them involved in your plans. You aren't even sure your lives are in line anymore, or ever where. Eventually you don't even want to see them. It becomes a chore to you. Or on the other hand- you're completely blindsided, you thought everything was going wonderful. You were prepared to spend your life with this person..... but it still happens....you break up. I'm not talking the "let's be friends" breakup. I'm talking the "I never want to see you again" block each other forever breakup.

Whether you're the dumper or the dumpee, it's time. As a woman who has had her heartbroken more times than I think is fair, I think I can give a few tips and tricks to healing with your heartbreak and even finding happiness in your heartbreak. Before we get started, do not start posting on social media.

What's wrong with you?!

Look at yourself. All heartbroken. Swollen eyes, snotted up nose, greasy hair... gross. What is wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with you... you got comfortable. You thought "I have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) I can eat whatever I want" or "My boyfriend (or girlfriend) likes it more when I don't wear makeup." Next thing you know (s)he dumps your ass and you're stuck in old habits. Ugh, (wo)men. Anyways you might be thinking "what's wrong with me? Why did (s)he dump me?" Simple. Because you stopped being who you were before him (her). Look in the mirror and get yourself together.

I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know who you were before you became this. Be that person again. My favorite way to say this is "be your own boyfriend." Have you ever noticed that you tend to treat your significant better than you treat yourself? I'm guilty. I always put my boyfriends needs before my own needs. The most important thing fresh out of a breakup is to treat yourself as you would treat your significant other.

Step one: Be your own boyfriend.

What would you do when your ex had a bad day? You'd find a way to cheer them up. Whether it be cooking them dinner, buying them a gift, or if we're going to be adults here....other favors. Whatever it may be, it's your turn to spoil yourself. If it's in your means, buy it. If you want to eat your feelings, do it. Get your nails done, brows waxed, hair freshened up. If you want to spend all morning procrast-urbating then by all means, do it! (Procrast-urbating: verb. Procrastinating responsibilities by masturbating instead.) The first step in healing, and finding yourself, is treating yourself.

Step two: Endorphins make you happy, workout.

For me this is pole dancing. Not only is pole dancing an excellent workout to shed breakup pounds, if that is a goal of yours. (It was one of mine, I had gained about 40 pounds in one relationship.) But pole dancing is the biggest confidence booster I have ever experienced. Although I will admit the studio I go to is pricey, it's worth it to me for what it does for me and what it is for me. Luckily, there are plenty of Groupons and apps like MindBody that give discounts for fitness classes in your area. I also fell in love with yoga which helps in pole dancing. If money is an issue, I highly recommend using YouTube. Working out makes you happy, it makes you feel good, and it gives you that extra motivation to keep yourself your priority. Doing things for yourself, creating that time for yourself to focus on you for the first time in a while is a feeling you never forget.

Step three: Don't get nasty.

Don't go blasting all over social media. Frankly, it's embarrassing to put your dirty laundry out on the internet. Not to mention people LOVE knowing something is wrong in your life. Don't give anyone that satisfaction. You may silently delete posts and photos - that's fine. If anyone asks, you don't need to tell them anything. The wise Destiny's Child once sang "I'm not gon' dis you on the internet, 'cause my momma taught me better than that!" It's also extremely childish. No one cares and people are definitely talking about you behind your back if you continue. The best thing to do when you need to heal is to delete all social media. Delete the apps from your phone. Out of sight, out of mind.

Step four: Get the F*%$ OUT!

Get up. Get showered. Get pretty (it's okay if you're crying- take your time). Get out. Whether it be going shopping, having a spa day, going out on the town for a girls night. Get the FUCK out of your apartment/room/house and get in public. It's easier to sink deeper into depression the further you sink into the couch. Get out and distract yourself. Trick your brain into not thinking about how heartbroken you really are. I find it best to avoid sad things like romantic comedies, love songs, etc. during this time. Especially since I'm extremely emotional it just makes me more sad. Which brings me to step five.

Step five: Bye, Bye, Bye!

Create a playlist full of breakup songs, I honestly don't know why I didn't make this step earlier but whatever. I tend to stay away from sad songs, but do you. One of the things that helped me through one of my hardest (but most life altering) breakups was a playlist full of empowering songs. I'd play it literally ALL the time. Driving, getting ready, especially getting ready for my distracting nights out with my friends.

A few from my breakup playlist:

Bye, Bye, Bye by *NSync

You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

Fuck You Bitch by DMX

I'm Out by Ciara ft. Nicki Minaj

B.A.N. by Saweetie

Boom by P.O.D.

Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit

Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

Get up 10 by Cardi B

I Don't F** With You by Big Sean ft. E-40

Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato

Ready For It? by Taylor Swift

Throne by Bring Me The Horizon

Mama's Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert

Just to name a few...hah.

Step six: Feel it out, alone.

The last step is feeling it out, solo. Breakups are a learning experience that help uncover the next layer of you. This is not the time to have judgment clouded with rebounds. Notice that using alcohol or drugs never appeared on this list, nor did sleeping around. Because doing either to get over a break up isn't going to help you get over a break up. Coping with alcohol/drug usage isn't coping, and getting 'under someone new' isn't (always) going to make you feel better. It may temporarily but when the hangover sets in and the Plan B is taken, the hurt remains. Use this time to fall in love with yourself all over again.

Or if your relationship really sucked, then by all means move the fuck on.

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